


Night Terrors, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Face the Titans

by CelticRomulan



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Teenage Dorks, Titan Eren Yeager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-10 04:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2011566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelticRomulan/pseuds/CelticRomulan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 2am. Connie and Sasha decide to go "titan-tipping". In need of a third guy, they enlist Eren Jaeger to help them out. Hilarity ensues.</p><p>This was for Connie Springer Week on Tumblr (July 20-26). Prompt was called "2 a.m."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Terrors, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Face the Titans

Connie sat up. He heard it again.  
  
 _Hoo hoo hoohoo, hoo hoo hoohooooo!_  
  
He climbed out of bed, careful not to wake anybody up. He slowly descended the ladder of his bunk and slipped over to the window.  
  
 _Hoo hoo hoohoo, hoo hoo hoohooooo!_  
  
Connie slowly opened his window and peeked his head out. "Hooooo!" he called back. "Hooo-hoo!"  
  
"You make a really lame owl, Connie." Sasha Braus peeked her head around to face him. "Are the others up yet?"  
  
"Well..." Connie gritted his teeth. "Nobody wanted in."  
  
"You're kidding me. Not even Eren?"  
  
"He said he'd think about it," Connie replied. "Though I think he said that because Mikasa was with him. You know how she is."  
  
"Well, wake him up!" Sasha hissed. "Mikasa's not here now! Maybe he'll say yes!"  
  
"Okay." Connie ducked back inside. He found Eren Jaeger fast asleep in his bunk. Connie shook him by the shoulder.  
  
Eren stirred. "Not now, Armin," he moaned.  
  
"It's Connie."  
  
Eren turned over and rubbed his eyes. "Oh. What do you want?"  
  
"Remember that thing I was talking about in the mess hall?" Connie asked. Eren shook his head. "You know...that whole thing about whether Titans sleep standing up?"  
  
Realization dawned on the other boy's face. "Oh, that. Titans don't sleep. They just...shut down. Squad Leader Hanji says so."  
  
"Yeah well...even so, I've heard people say that they keep standing upright when they shut down for the night. I wanna see if that's true."  
  
Eren squinted at Connie. "I'm not changing at this hour, Connie," he grunted. "Go find another Titan to experiment on. Or better yet, go wake up Hanji."  
  
"Hey!" Sasha and pushed the window open. "Connie! Is he coming or not?"  
  
Connie shook his head. "No, I guess not. That's too bad, since this might be the only chance he gets to have some fun without Mikasa breathing down his neck."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Hey, would you guys keep it down? I'm trying to sleep here." Jean Kirschstein had apparently been awakened by the boys' conversation.  
  
"Oh hey, Jean," Connie said. "Sorry, I was just telling Eren how his sister never lets him have any fun..."  
  
"That's not true!"  
  
"Connie, this isn't about that whole Titan-tipping thing you were talking about at dinner was it?"  
  
"Um..." Connie hoped the others wouldn't see him blush in the darkness.  
  
"We need a third guy," Sasha said. "Them Titans aren't easy prey."  
  
Jean sighed. "You guys are such dorks. All of you." He turned over and snuggled back under his blankets.  
  
Connie turned back to Eren. "C'mon, man! We need another guy. Who better than to have Eren Jaeger, the Rogue Titan himself, to help us out? Besides...you might not get this chance again. It'll be fun..."  
  
Eren thought a moment. Finally he said, "Fine. I'll do it. But if we get caught, I'm pinning it on you guys."  
  
***

The arena was just a glorified hole in the ground that once housed HQ's granary back in its early days. It had been emptied and refitted with sloping, concave walls to keep Hanji's test subjects from climbing out. The arena floor was at least three or four acres around, and covered in prickly grass and rubble from pieces of the old building that once sat over it. The walls were about twenty meters high and covered in stucco to keep the Titans from grabbing handholds between the bricks. The structure itself was meant to serve as a live training ground for the scouts to practice on--though Squad Leader Hanji Zoe had begged and pleaded with Commander Smith to allow her to use it as a testing ground for her experiments, if the central terrazzo wasn't big enough to house her subjects.  
  
Connie, Sasha, and Eren rappelled over the edge of the arena with their ODM gear. The landing would have been smoother if there hadn't been a cockleburr bush at the bottom. Connie swore as he started pulling the prickly burrs from his trousers. Sasha shushed him and pointed over at a fallen slab of rock. She sneaked toward it and crouched low, motioning the boys to follow. When they were all together, Sasha peeked over the top.  
  
"Why are we sneaking around?" Eren asked. "They're not--"  
  
"SHHH!!" Sasha hissed. She crouched back down again and motioned the others to follow her lead. The three of them padded across an open stretch of tall, scratchy grass on all fours. Connie snorted with laughter at how silly Sasha looked with her rear end in the air. She gave him a dirty look when they reached their next hiding spot, this time below a section of a column as big around as they were tall, and lying on its side, half-buried in moss and lichens. The girl got down on her belly and began to inch around the end of the column, only stopping when her nose was at the edge.  
  
"Got one."  
  
"Where?" Connie poked his head up over the column's side.  
  
"GET DOWN!!" Sasha dragged Connie back down. "You don't wanna get its attention, do you?"  
  
Connie shook his head. Sasha peeked around the side again. While she was doing that, Connie peeked around the other side so he could get a good look at their quarry.  
  
The Titan was crouching froggy-style on the balls of its feet just a few meters in front of their hiding spot. It was facing away from them, but just enough for the young scouts to see its face. Its head was cocked to the side, and its grinning maw was slightly open, with a string of drool hanging from its upturned corner and pooling on the grass beneath it.  
  
"Holy shit...!"  
  
Eren had sneaked a peek too. "Four meters," he whispered. "Shouldn't be too hard for you, Connie."  
  
Connie glanced at Eren. "Who said _I_ was going to tip him?"  
  
Sasha had pulled herself back behind their column and sat up. "It was your idea," she said.  
  
"You wanted to do it too, Sasha," Connie retorted. "I say ladies first."  
  
"Uh uh! This was your idea, Connie. You do it."  
  
"Err...um, hey! I say we let Eren tip him first!"  
  
"Sasha's right, Connie," Eren said. "You're first."  
  
"I didn't ask for your opinion, Eren--!"  
  
"What's the matter, Connie? Chicken?" another voice asked. The three of them jumped in surprise.  
  
"Jean!" Jean Kirschstein had followed them out and had somehow materialized next to them.  
  
"Goddammit, Jean, you son of a bitch!" Connie snapped. "What are you doing out here?" Sasha and Eren both shushed him.  
  
"Since you clowns woke me up, I couldn't sleep," Jean said. “I can’t believe you guys are actually doing this…or not. Springer, I always figured you’d chicken out at the last minute.”

“I’m not chickening out!” Connie protested.

Jean chuckled. “Oh yes, you are.”

“Shut up.”

“Chicken. Chicken! Baaaawk, buckbuckbuckbuckbuck! You know you look like a chicken in front of your girlfriend and everything.”

“Rrrrrrgh! Fine. I’ll do it,” Connie snapped. He stood up. The Titan was still there, still drooling, and still staring blankly at nothing.

“Okay…” Connie took a deep breath. “I can do this,” he muttered. “I’ll tip this fat old motherfucker for you, Horseface…” He padded out from behind the column and slowly lined himself up with the Titan’s rump. He took one step…and then another…

_**RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!** _

With a wild battle-cry, Connie Springer charged, and threw his entire weight into the Titan’s hip. The crouching Titan shuddered from the blow and keeled over sideways, landing with a loud WHUMP that shook the ground beneath his feet.

“Ah…”

Connie slowly crept up to the fallen Titan and nudged it with his boot. The creature groaned and snorted through its bulbous nose. Connie jumped back, drawing his blades. The Titan then shuffled, curled itself into a ball like a cat, and continued to drool and stare into space as if nothing had happened.

“Oh my god,” Sasha gasped. “He did it!”

“Ha…ahahahahahaha!” Connie let out a laugh of relief. “Woohoo!! Did you guys see that? Did you see that?” He ran over and rejoined the others, laughing and whooping in triumph. Pretty soon, Sasha and Eren were laughing too. Jean just stood, dumbstruck, watching the three of them celebrate.

“I get the next one!” Sasha crowed. She broke off from the group and began to sprint across the arena floor, her stealth tactics completely forgotten. Connie and Eren, still laughing, followed her, egging her on while Jean padded a few paces behind them.

Sasha’s titan was a pigeon-chested six-meter with arms twice the length and half the width of its bandy legs. It was leaning its head against the arena wall while its arms dangled limply below.

“GET HIM!!!” Sasha bellowed as she went for its ankle. As she hit it, the Titan’s foot slipped out from under it. Its ankle landed with a loud crack as it twisted and brought the rest of its body down. Sasha shrieked and leaped out of the way.

“TIMBEEEEEERRRRR!!” Sasha shouted. “That was fun! Let’s go get another one!”

Jean found a particularly fat eight-meter one. It was just standing there, slouching with its head cocked to the side. Rolls of flab spilled over its waist, and again over its knees, making it look like a big, fat mushroom with a bristly haystack of hair on top. Connie made a face and mimicked the creature’s posture, making Sasha and the boys burst out laughing.

“Blaaaarghhh, gimme yer firstborn, puny hew-mons! Get in mah belly!!” Connie said in a deep, gurgly voice. “I likes ‘em raw, yes!”

Sasha and Jean cracked up laughing, but Eren had suddenly fallen silent. Connie noticed his expression and shushed the others. “Sorry, Eren. Didn’t mean to bring up…well, you know.”

“That wasn’t funny,” Eren said. “Remember what happened to the others at Trost?”

“I know,” Connie said, suddenly wishing he hadn’t made the joke. “Sorry about that.” The four of them stood in silence for a moment.

Then Eren said, “I call this one.”

Jean glanced at the mushroom-titan. “No, I think this one’s gonna require all four of us. Look how big its feet are.”

“Fine,” Eren said. “But I get the next one.”

The four of them approached the fat titan’s nearest cankle, pulled up their sleeves, and pushed.

Nothing happened.

“Let’s try pushing at the heel,” Sasha suggested.

They tried. Still nothing happened.

“Oh come on!” Connie yelled. “It’s not like he’s standing in a deep stance or whatever! Something’s gotta give!”

They decided to go after both feet—two people on each. When that finally didn’t work, Jean had run out of patience and suggested that they find another, smaller titan to tip over.

“No, wait!” Eren said suddenly. “I’ve got a better idea. Stand back, guys.”

Connie, Sasha and Jean exchanged apprehensive glances, but complied. They backed up a few paces, but when Connie saw Eren put his hand to his mouth—

“TAKE COVER!!” Connie shouted. The three of them found a boulder and dove behind it in the nick of time.

_**BANG!!** _

There was a blinding flash of light, followed by a deafening roar. Connie and the others carefully peeked around the boulder to see a massive, ripped fifteen-meter titan standing right where Eren was a second ago. He towered over the fat one, green eyes glaring down a beaky nose at his prey. He backed up a few paces and then charged forward, bellowing loudly enough to wake the dead, and punted the fat one clear across the arena. The unfortunate mushroom-titan went flying butt-first into the rim of the arena wall, and toppled head-over-cankles into the stands like a flabby sack of potatoes.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLL!!!” Connie crowed, laughing. “Scouts one, Titans zero! Ole, ole ole ole…

“Whoooooooooo!!” Sasha howled. She sprang from her hiding place and ran towards Eren. The boys followed, whooping in triumph.

“Eren wins. Everybody go home!” Connie said. “That was wicked, Eren…um, Eren?”

Eren’s titan form stood there, staring blankly out at the end of the arena where he had punted the fat titan. He wasn’t moving.

“Eren? You okay, buddy?” Connie asked. “Uhh, guys? He’s not moving…!”

Jean kicked at Eren’s ankle. “Hey! Wake up, you suicidal bastard! Sasha, wait—!”

Sasha rappelled up Eren’s leg with her maneuver gear. She stopped suddenly when she reached his hip. “He’s shut down!” she shouted. “Just like the other ones!”

“Oh great,” Jean groaned. “Can’t we wake him up?”

“I don’t know,” Connie said.

“Well, I’m not gonna try and tip him. That last one was hard enough, and it was only eight meters.”

Sasha landed next to the boys. “So what do we do?” she asked. “Wait for the sun to come up? I don’t think leaving Eren out here with these other titans is a good idea.”

“Hanji would pitch a holy fit if Eren kills any of them,” Jean said.

“Or Levi,” Connie said. “You know how protective he is of Eren.”

“Levi?” Sasha asked. “Who cares about Levi? What about Mikasa?”

“She’d kill us,” Connie answered. The three of them stared in silence as they let that sink in.

“Let’s get out of here,” Sasha said finally. “I don’t want to be around when the other titans wake up.” They turned to leave.

“Stop right there!”

Sasha shrieked. The boys jumped in surprise. Someone a few paces ahead had lit a lantern.

“Uhh…”

“Captain Levi!”

Levi stood there, wearing his green scouting cloak and a frown. “I heard an explosion,” he growled. “Would you brats care to explain?”

***

Connie wiped his hands on a towel. They were raw, red, wrinkly, and smelled of lye soap. He had spent the last three hours scrubbing dishes in HQ’s kitchens.

“Need help?” Sasha appeared in the doorway. Her nose and hands were covered in soot from scouring the ovens.

“Yeah.” Connie looked at the stack of dishes he had left to do. He had the feeling that Levi had told the rest of the Scouting Legion to leave as much food as possible when everyone was finished eating, so he’d have extra-dirty dishes to wash. At least Connie was grateful Sasha was here to help. “Where’s Jean?”

“Outside, on the third story. Levi’s making him wash the windows from the outside.”

Connie sighed. “Hey, at least Levi’s not making us scrub the privies or shovel horse poop from the stables.”

“True.”

The two of them were quiet as they cleaned bits of breakfast off their dishes.

“But it was fun, right?” Sasha asked.

“Yeah,” Connie nodded. “Yep, it sure was.”

**Author's Note:**

> There might be a few inconsistencies. Just a forewarning.


End file.
